


Break Through

by McKay



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 02:38:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10957926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McKay/pseuds/McKay
Summary: Sirius is tired of the walls between himself and Remus, and he takes matters into his own hands.





	Break Through

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2004. Might read a bit dub-con-ish for some readers at first.

Sirius sprawled with boneless grace along the couch, his long legs taking up nearly the entire length of it; propping his elbow on the arm of the couch, he watched Remus silently, his expression speculative. They had embraced when they were reunited in the Shrieking Shack, and Remus had seemed agreeable to putting their past misunderstandings behind them and resuming their friendship. 

Definitely friendship, not relationship. There was a huge, thick, heavily fortified and possibly armed wall between them, and so far, Sirius had failed to find so much as a single crack in it. 

The problem, he thought, was two-fold. For one thing, he didn't know Remus anymore. It wasn't so obvious during the first year, when Sirius had been on the run and they hadn't spent much time together, but after he convinced Remus to live with him at Grimmauld Place, he began to see it. The mischievous boy who had laughed freely and was easy to read once Sirius knew where to look was gone, either buried so deeply that he was all but forgotten, or dead. Remus had been "the quiet one" of their little group, more prone to listen than to speak, but he had also been just as fun-loving as Sirius and James had been. 

Remus still smiled often, but it was all part of that damnable polite mask he wore; he used courtesy and kindness as a means of keeping people at arms-length rather than a lure to draw them nearer. His sense of humor still flared up, and it was as dark-edged as ever, but it was seen more rarely now, and Sirius missed it. He missed a lot of things. 

He couldn't read Remus anymore. Once upon a time, he'd been able to look at Remus' face or into his eyes and know what was going on behind the quiet facade. He remembered once wanting to slide under the table in the Great Hall and go on his knees then and there simply because Remus had looked at him across the table, and while Remus' expression was calm, there was a smoldering light in Remus' eyes that told Sirius quite clearly that he was thinking Very Naughty Thoughts. Now Remus' eyes were shuttered, as closed off as the rest of him, and his smiles, as frequent as they were, never made it that far. 

Sirius understood the changes. He didn't _like_ them, but he understood them. He hadn't cornered the market on loss, after all, and Remus had spent the past thirteen years in his own kind of prison. Sirius had been closed up in the walls of Azkaban; Remus had been closed up in the walls of solitude, poverty, prejudice, and loneliness. The only difference was that Remus' prison was mobile, going with him wherever he went. 

Still, it was frustrating, because his feelings for Remus hadn't changed, and friendship would never be enough to satisfy him, yet that was all he was offered. He had flirted with Remus, trying to show in subtle ways that he wanted to rekindle their former romance, but his overtures had been met ignored. _Politely_ ignored, but ignored nonetheless. Remus simply refused to acknowledge any innuendo and shied away from affectionate touches. 

Sirius had had enough of politeness. 

The second part of the problem lay not with Remus, he realized, but with himself. He'd been treating Remus carefully, not wanting to push too hard or too far for fear of pushing Remus away entirely. But what did he have to lose? Their relationship was superficial at best, and as things stood now, it wouldn't be a huge loss. He'd been afraid of losing his one remaining friend, but the truth was, he'd lost the friend he knew in October, 1981. They had both changed, and they were, in effect, getting to know each other all over again. 

He'd been trying to protect Remus as well, to handle him with delicate care, and that, he realized, was not only unnecessary, but he'd also been underestimating Remus in doing so. Remus John Lupin was the last person on earth who needed to be treated like he was made of spun glass; he was strong, and he was tough. He'd had to be in order to survive under the conditions he'd dealt with and keep his composure and sanity intact. A lesser man might have let himself fall into anger, bitterness, or desolation, but not Remus. He was still able to face the obstacles in his path, smiling and quiet and kind, and if he had his moments of self-pity, he kept them to himself and didn't let the world see his despair. 

Sirius had been taking a slow, subtle approach, but now he knew that would never work; Remus would simply keep stonewalling him indefinitely. Sirius had refrained from pushing, but that was what Remus needed. He needed someone to tear the walls down and take him by storm; he was strong enough to bear it without breaking, and it was the only hope Sirius -- or anyone, for that matter -- had of getting past those towering defenses. 

As far as Sirius was concerned, it was now July 14 in Paris, and Remus was the Bastille. 

"Remus." 

"Mm?" Remus didn't glance up from his book, and Sirius watched him for a moment longer before answering, taking in the details.

Remus was in his usual chair, one leg tucked beneath him as he cradled a book in his lap; his reading glasses had slid down his nose, and as Sirius watched, he reached up and idly pushed them up again, seeming unaware of the gesture even as he did it. His jeans were old and faded, and his white button-down shirt had seen better days, but his clothes were clean and neatly pressed, even if they were shabby. 

"We should talk," Sirius said at last, and Remus peered at him over the top of his glasses, his expression quizzical. 

"About what?" 

"Us." 

Remus went still for a split second, and Sirius could practically see the moment he withdrew, closing in on himself and once again shutting Sirius out. "Oh?" His tone was noncommittal, making it clear that his interest in pursuing the topic was minimal. 

"Yes. I want us to be lovers again." Sirius remained sprawled on the couch as he spoke, his gaze focused with unwavering intensity on Remus, belying his casual pose. 

Over the top of his glasses, Remus' eyes darkened, and his brows drew together in a stern frown. "I don't suppose I have any say in the matter." 

"Of course you do. But if you're going to refuse, I want to know why." 

One eyebrow arched haughtily, and Sirius wondered if he'd been taking lessons from Snivellus. "I don't owe you any explanations." 

"No, but unless you've changed out of all recognition, I know you're not the kind of man who could just push me aside without any regard to my feelings." He paused and then added, "For the sake of our friendship, if for no other reason." 

The sternness faded a little then, and Remus gave a quiet little sigh as he closed his book and put it aside. Removing his glasses, he placed them on top of the book and regarded Sirius silently for a moment, searching his face intently. "I simply don't think it would work. We've both changed and not in entirely positive ways. Our feelings--"

"My feelings are now what they were then," Sirius said, cutting him off before he could spout off some nonsense about their feelings no longer being what they were. "If you don't love me, that's one thing, but don't make any assumptions about what I do or don't feel anymore." 

"I don't love you." 

Sirius drew in a sharp breath, feeling his heart wrench at the words, but he remained undeterred. He didn't expect this to be easy; Remus was going to fight him every step of the way, and he knew it. "You're lying." 

"Now you're the one making erroneous assumptions." 

He rolled to his feet in one smooth, fluid motion and crossed over to Remus' chair swiftly; to his surprise, Remus stood as well, as if to avoid giving him the advantage that looming provided. "You forget, _old friend_ , I know you better than anyone left alive. I know what you're up to. You're hiding. You've been hiding for God knows how long, to the point that it's become second nature, even with me." 

Drawing himself up to his full height, Remus met Sirius' gaze steadily, his eyes cool and remote. "I can hardly hide when what I am has become public knowledge." 

"I'm not talking about that, and you know it." Sirius wanted to grab Remus' shoulders and shake him, as if he could bring down the walls that way. "I'm talking about _you_. You're hiding yourself. You've got so many walls up, there's nothing showing on the outside anymore but cold stone." 

Remus folded his arms across his chest. "And?"

"And maybe you're keeping yourself safe that way, but you're also not giving anybody the chance to get anywhere near you. That isn't healthy, Remus, and it isn't necessary, not when you have me." 

"I don't want anyone near me, not even you." Remus turned his back to Sirius at that, but Sirius circled around to stand in front of him again. 

"I don't believe you," he said bluntly. "I think you _do_ want someone near. You're just afraid of what might happen if you let me in." 

"Are you saying I don't have reason to be?" Remus' voice was edged with bitterness. "Your track record isn't exemplary." 

"Neither is yours. We both made mistakes." He reached out and cupped Remus' cheek in his palm, and Remus ducked his head and moved away from the touch -- but not before Sirius felt a tiny shiver in response. 

That was all the encouragement he needed to keep forging onward. Grasping Remus' shoulders, Sirius held him in place, his voice low and intense as he spoke. "We can start over. We're different people now. Our relationship will be new and different. It will be better, because we'll both appreciate it more and fight harder to keep it." 

Remus tried to wrench free, but Sirius held him fast. "I don't want a relationship, not with you, not with anyone. I've reached the point of being content with my life as it is. I don't need you coming along and trying to ruin everything I've worked for all these years." 

"You're settling for contentment when you could be happy?"

"You think quite highly of yourself," Remus said tartly, no longer struggling, but holding himself away from Sirius stiffly. 

Sirius chuckled and ran his hands up and down Remus' arms. He could feel how tight and tense Remus' muscles were; Remus was on the verge of bolting, and all it would take was one slight excuse for him to take off. Sirius massaged his shoulders and upper arms with a firm, sure touch, but he didn't relax, not in the slightest. "No, I just remember what you were like back then." He glanced sidelong at Remus, his smile provocative. "How you _needed_. Your adolescent hormones may have worn off, but I'd find it difficult to believe that your desires stemmed solely from them. How long has it been for you? How long have you been bottling up all that need?" 

"I don't -- I'm not--" 

"I don't believe you. You may want to pretend to yourself and everyone else that you're nothing more than the cool mask you wear, but I know better." Sirius slid his hands from Remus' shoulders to his chest, caressing it slowly, and then he unfastened the top three buttons of Remus' shirt, pulling his collar open. 

"Don't--"

Leaning in, Sirius parted his lips and trailed his open mouth along the length of Remus' neck, letting him feel the heat of Sirius' breath against his skin, and Remus shuddered, his hands flying up to clutch Sirius' shoulders. "I remember how you used to burn," he whispered against Remus' ear. "I don't believe that fire is dead." 

"Sirius, no--"

But Sirius ignored the soft plea, listening to Remus' body instead, which was sending an entirely different message. Remus' cheeks were flushed, and his breathing was quick and shallow as he struggled to keep his distance from Sirius, stubborn refusal in the firm set of his mouth. But he hadn't pushed Sirius away; he hadn't pulled out his wand and hexed Sirius into oblivion, and Sirius knew that was because Remus wasn't fighting him. Remus was fighting himself. 

He finished unbuttoning Remus' shirt and pushed it open, sliding his flattened palms along the length of Remus' bare chest, and Remus sucked in a sharp, desperate gasp. "Why are you doing this? You're bored and randy, so you decided to play games with me?"

"This isn't a game." Sirius continued stroking Remus' chest with slow, gentle touches, savoring the feel of Remus' skin, so warm and smooth. It had been so long, and Remus felt even better than Sirius remembered; he wanted to wrap Remus up in his arms and wallow with him until Remus' scent was all over his skin, but there were still layers of that damned wall to get through first. "You need this. You need me to pull you back before you're so far gone that the mask becomes the reality." 

He slid his hands up from Remus' stomach to his shoulders and slipped his fingers beneath the fabric of Remus' shirt, pushing it off his shoulders and down to his elbows, where it could go no farther until Remus lowered his arms and let it fall. But Remus didn't. He released Sirius' shoulders and backed away, crossing his arms in front of his chest as if to shield himself, and with a muttered curse, Sirius paused just long enough to yank his sweater up and over his head, tossing it carelessly aside before closing the distance between them again. 

Grabbing Remus' upper arms tightly, he pulled Remus against himself, letting the heat of their bodies meet and burn between them, and began trailing kisses along Remus' neck, seeking out all the little sensitive places that made Remus' breath catch when he licked and nibbled them. He could feel Remus shaking, his body stiff and unyielding as Sirius made his way up to Remus' ear, nipping at the lobe, but Sirius persevered, silently and fervently hoping that Remus didn't suddenly bolt. 

"Where is he?" Sirius whispered as he wound one arm around Remus' waist, holding him close. "Where is my Moony?" He buried his free hand in Remus' hair, cradling the back of Remus' head in his palm. "I know he's in there somewhere. Come out and play with me, Moony."

Remus closed his eyes, his expression pained as he shook his head. "Moony is long dead." 

"No, he isn't. You've just forgotten him." Sirius drew Remus closer, brushing his lips against Remus' mouth, and Remus tried to recoil, but Sirius' hand on the back of his head held him in place. 

"Sirius, no. Please stop this." 

"No." He sucked gently on Remus' bottom lip, holding Remus so close that he could feel Remus' heart pounding, hard and fast, against the walls of his chest; tightening his fingers in Remus' hair, he brushed his lips against Remus' again, lingering this time. Remus opened his mouth to speak, and Sirius pressed the advantage, closing his mouth over Remus', swallowing Remus' muffled protest. 

He felt Remus fighting to resist the kiss, Sirius' embrace, his own desires -- all of it -- but he didn't release Remus' mouth or let him go. Instead, he skimmed his tongue along Remus' bottom lip and then slid it slowly into Remus' mouth, unable to hold back a moan of deep pleasure at the first taste of him. Remus' entire body went stiff at the invasion, but Sirius combed his fingers gently through Remus' hair and rubbed the small of Remus' back in soothing little circles to calm him, and slowly, ever so slowly, he felt the resistance begin to crumble. 

Remus lifted his arms with jerky, hesitant movements, stopping and starting several times before finally resting his hands lightly on Sirius' back, and Sirius moaned into the kiss, awash with relief. Sealing his mouth more firmly over Remus', he began to explore it thoroughly, indulging his long-banked hunger as he reacquainted himself with Remus' mouth, stroking and tasting every inch he could reach. Remus was allowing the kiss, but not giving himself over to it, not yet, and Sirius could feel him shaking as he struggled to maintain his control. 

But Sirius didn't want him to keep control. Sirius wanted him to lose it, to unleash everything he'd been bottling up all these years; Sirius wanted all of the fire and passion he knew was simmering beneath the surface, ready to erupt if he could just find the right way to free it. 

Curling his tongue around Remus', he drew it into his mouth, sucking it hard as he rubbed his bare chest against Remus', moaning at the exquisite pleasure of skin against skin; sliding his hand down, he cupped Remus' arse, pushing their hips together and letting Remus feel his erection. Reluctantly, Remus let his tongue be drawn into Sirius' mouth, letting Sirius stroke and suck it at first, not taking the initiative himself, but as Sirius pressed against him, Remus' hands tightened on Sirius' back, and a low moan escaped him, a sound that seemed equal parts pain and need. 

Encouraged, Sirius continued kneading Remus' arse and slid his other hand down, pushing it between their bodies so he could tease Remus' nipple; Remus gasped, his body quivering, and Sirius felt a surge of triumph. He pinched Remus' nipple between his thumb and forefinger, tugging and tweaking it as he remembered Remus liked, and he could feel Remus' resistance crumble even more. 

Without warning, Remus took over the kiss, his tongue delving deep, and Sirius moaned and yielded his mouth to the exploration eagerly, working Remus' nipple more roughly as his arousal built. He began walking backward, guiding Remus to the couch, and much to his relief, Remus didn't balk. Once they reached the couch, Sirius broke away from the kiss, panting, his entire body thrumming with need. 

"Moony," he murmured against Remus' lips as he reached up and stroked Remus' cheek tenderly. "My Moony. It's all right. You're safe with me."

Remus glanced away at that, his body growing tense again, and Sirius cursed silently, wishing he'd kept his mouth shut instead of ruining the moment. He'd thought he was saying the right thing, but so much for his skill at whispering sweet nothings. 

"What is it?" he asked softly, hooking his fingers under Remus' chin and making Remus look at him -- and he was shocked to see pain so raw and deep that it made him ache just to see it in Remus' eyes. 

"Don't leave me again," Remus whispered, and Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus, drawing him into a fierce embrace. 

"I won't. " He kissed Remus' hair and held him even tighter; if he could have merged their bodies, he would have. "I'm here, and I'm yours. I'll always be yours." 

Pulling back, Remus stared at him, seeming to search his face intently for a moment, and Sirius met his gaze evenly, hiding nothing, and whatever Remus was looking for, he must have seen, because the next thing Sirius knew, Remus was kissing him, hard and deep. Moaning happily, he surrendered his mouth to the possessive kiss, reaching out to push Remus' shirt down his arms, and this time, Remus let him, allowing the garment to fall to the floor. Remus' hands were on his face, in his hair, stroking his back -- roaming everywhere -- and Sirius arched against him, overwhelmed by the sudden change, but eager for more. 

He toed off his shoes as Remus began unfastening his trousers and then pushed both trousers and underpants down at the same time, stepping out of them and kicking them aside. Unwilling to release Remus' mouth, he rested one hand on Remus' shoulder to keep his balance while he stripped away his socks with the other, and then he reached for the buttons on Remus' jeans, moaning when Remus bit and sucked his bottom lip before finally breaking away from the kiss. 

While Remus finished undressing, Sirius stretched out on the couch again, on his back this time, and when Remus turned to him, he held out his arms. Remus returned to his embrace without hesitation, stretching out atop him and settling between his legs, and Sirius hooked one leg around Remus' hips, rocking against him, his breath growing ragged at the feel of their erections rubbing together. 

Leaning over, Remus groped around in their pile of clothes until he retrieved his wand, and Sirius bent his knees, his anticipation and arousal spiraling higher as Remus tapped his hip, murmuring the spells to prepare him. He wanted this -- had wanted it -- for so long, and he could scarcely believe that it was happening, but Remus was settling Sirius' legs on his shoulders, and then he felt Remus' cock at his entrance, pushing inside. He threw his head back as he clutched Remus' arms, panting, his body welcoming, and Remus entered him with one smooth, deep thrust, grinding his hips against Sirius'. They were joined. 

And then Remus began to move, and Sirius' nails dug into Remus' arms as Sirius moved with him, fighting to draw air into his starved lungs. "Oh, fuck _yes_." He rocked his hips up, meeting each thrust. "Fuck me -- harder, do it harder -- want this -- need it so much -- need you--"

As if spurred on by Sirius' words, Remus drove into him harder, each thrust deep and relentless, and Sirius moaned with pleasure and need, surrendering to the fierce claiming. He didn't remember Remus ever being so rough with him before, but then, he had never provoked Remus like that before either; his gentle, tender Moony had been given no reason to let go and fuck him senseless before, but Sirius was determined that this wouldn't be the last time it happened. 

Curling his fingers around his cock, he stroked himself, matching the rhythm of Remus' body; his toes flexed and curled as his pleasure built to the breaking point, and his entire body strained towards that elusive release -- and then it hit, and he let out a wordless cry, his hips surging up as he came hard and fast.

Panting in the aftermath, he stroked Remus' arms and shoulders, his body pliant as Remus pounded into him, gasping for breath; only a few more thrusts, and Remus buried himself to the hilt and came, spilling deep within Sirius. Carefully, he eased out and moved back so that Sirius could lower his legs, but when Sirius reached out for him, he went willingly to Sirius' embrace. They shifted until they were lying on their sides, and Sirius snuggled tightly against Remus' back, draping one arm across him protectively. 

Smoothing Remus' sweat-damp hair away from his face, Sirius leaned over and kissed his cheek, nuzzling it tenderly. "It's going to be all right now." 

Remus smiled, and for the first time in a long time, Sirius saw that the smile reached his eyes as well. "Yes, I think it is."


End file.
